An Unauthorized ‘Full House’ Musical Is Really Happening

by | PopCrush
Full House
ABC

Are you ready for yet another Full House-related announcement? It doesn’t really matter if you are, because we have one for you anyway. Full House! The Unauthorized Musical! will officially open on Off-Broadway later this year.

If you find yourself asking the question: Why do we need to revive yet another television show that is being falsely colored through the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia as being much better than it actually was? Then this iteration of the series may be of mild interest to you. It isn’t a rehashing of the original, a retelling or even a sequel — it’s a parody of the much-beloved family show. This means poking fun at the show’s cheesy, overwrought storylines (such as D.J.’s bogus eating disorder plot that lasted exactly one episode. Even Emma’s anorexia arc on Degrassi lasted at least two episodes, and ended with her in the hospital). Hopefully, it will also feature the destruction of one of the most insufferable characters to ever grace our television screens: Kimmy Gibbler.

According to BuzzFeed, the musical will be performed at the East Village’s Theatre 80 in downtown New York City. The plot is set to revolve around Danny Tanner and his transformation from the lovable, wholesome patriarch with an endless diatribe of canned advice into the insane, foul-mouthed actor who played Danny — Bob Saget.

Questions the musical is apparently set to answer include the following, “Will D.J Tanner develop an eating disorder?! Can Uncle Joey get on Star Search even though he’s not funny at all?! Who will have mercy on Uncle Jessie?! Will Kimmy Gibbler be murdered? How many catchphrases can one family have?! What the hell is a Mary-Kate and Ashley?!”

The musical will also include sure-to-be-great songs like “Have Mercy on My Heart/Don’t Touch the Hair,” to be performed by Uncle Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson, “Look at These Assholes,” sung by family pet, Comet the Dog, “There’s No Gays in San Francisco (As Demonstrated by the TV Show)” and “I’m Kind of a Slut (But Just Enough for Network TV),” sung by D.J. Tanner.

The musical is set to open on September 7.

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